A Carrot and Stick Approach
by avis de rapina
Summary: Has anyone ever wondered why Gendo Ikari always takes such a constipated pose whenever he sits in judgement? How Gendo ever got to marry Yui? How many people can a spamfic traumatize while answering those questions? Caveat lector!


**A Carrot-and-Stick Approach**

A Shin Seiki Evangelion Lemon?

**By BoP**

**Foreword:** This is the prologue to an ELC-4 entry that I was working on last March. I didn't really get that much further into it; right now it's just gathering dust in my flash drive. I cleaned it up some, although, as is, it barely qualifies as a lemon… It should be good for some laughs though. I might as well post it and see what you think.

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**Summary:** Has anyone ever wondered why Gendo Ikari always takes such a constipated pose whenever he sits in judgement? How Gendo ever got to marry Yui? How many people can a spamfic traumatize while answering those questions? _Caveat lector!_

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"speech"

_thoughts_

_**emphasis**_

**--oO0Oo--**

Inside a darkened office, a man sat behind his desk. The only light in the room partially cast his face in shadows before reflecting off his darkened glasses. The rest of his face was hidden behind the gloved hands that he held clasped before it. Most… well, all of the man's subordinates who were called into his presence were rather intimidated by this sight. They all wondered about what fiendish machination the man could be considering while seated in such a diabolical posture. In truth, they were better off in their ignorance.

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Gendo Ikari missed his wife. She was the only one who ever really understood his needs. It had been a difficult courtship, but in the end she had become his. His thoughts, as they so often did, turned back to that first afternoon when she had finally consented to 'play' with him.

_**Flashback**_

"Are you sure about this, Gendo?" the brunette in the leather dominatrix outfit asked the young man kneeling on the bed; his shins were lashed to his thighs and his arms were handcuffed to the bedposts.

"I do, Yui-ch---"

"How did I tell you to address me? The woman interrupted with an imperious tone.

"Ah, umm… I do, Mistress Yui-sama."

"That's better, Gendo-bozu… It is good to see that you can follow orders some of the time. Fuyutsuki-sensei has been telling me about how much trouble you have been giving him with your attitude in class. You have been a very bad boy, haven't you?"

"Yes, I have, Mistress Yui-sama."

"And bad boys have to be punished; don't they, Gendo-bozu?"

"Yes, they should, Mistress Yui-sama."

Yui picked up a riding crop and showed it to Gendo before slowly running it over his bare gluteal region.

"Tell me what you want me to do."

"Mistress Yui-sama, I have been a bad boy. Please punish me today."

"It will be my pleasure, Rokobungi."

_This is for stalking me. _**Whap!**

_This is for scaring off any other boy who showed an interest in me. _**Whap! Whap!**

_This is for pestering Kouzou-kun until he asked me to go out with you. _**Whap! Whap! Whap!**

_And this is for asking me to play these sick games with you! _**Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap!**

Finished with the preliminaries, Yui picked up a tube of KY Jelly and squirted a generous amount between Gendo's inflamed cheeks. She then took a face towel soaked in rubbing alcohol; she cleaned off her hands then drew the towel over the welts on Gendo's reddened ass. He whimpered as he squirmed against the astringent; thus spreading the lubricant in preparation for the main event.

"Do you remember what your safe word is?" Yui whispered in Gendo's ear.

He nodded.

"Are you sure you want to go through with this?"

He nodded fervently.

Yui Ikari shrugged then walked to the fridge in the studio apartment's kitchen area. It wasn't as if she really liked doing this sort of thing; she was only here because she had tried everything else to get rid of him. She had steeled herself into agreeing to have sex with Gendo Rokobungi in his apartment. It was to be a one-shot deal and she had expected to be degraded… just not in this way.

She took out the Nerima daikon that she had purchased earlier that afternoon. These were medium sized ones, about 6 cm in diameter; just the right size for making miso soup. The packet contained three daikon, each about 35 cm long.

She opened the packet and took out the first daikon. She showed it to Gendo; whose eyes, she thought, widened in appreciation.

"How many of these can you handle?" she joked; sure that this, if nothing else, will convince him to leave her alone.

"Ni!"

"…"

"A-- Are you sure?" Yui croaked.

"Ni!"

Yui looked at Gendo in awe. He may be a bastard, but he was a brave one. She rather doubted that she could take on one of those daikon herself; her experience in that regards was limited to cucumbers placed somewhere else; and here he was asking for TWO of them! Maybe she had misjudged him.

She shook her head as she took the towel and loaded it with more petroleum jelly. She then rubbed it over the daikon's tip before questioning Gendo once more.

"This is your final chance, Rokobungi-san"

"Ni, Mistress Yui-sama. Most definitely, Ni!"

"Oh well, if you insist…" Yui said as she placed her left hand at the base of Gendo's back; she grasped the daikon by its unlubricated base with her right hand, took aim and shoved.

"Niiiiiiiiiiii! For the love of the kami. Ni, Yui-sama. Ni!"

"There's no way you're going to fit a second one in there, Gendo," Yui cried out as she continued to push. "There's barely enough room for the first one!"

"Oh, kami! Please stop, Yui-sama. Ni. Ni!"

"You know I'm not supposed to stop until you say your safe word, Gendo. Don't pretend that you don't know the rules; you made them yourself. Now don't distract me; I've almost got the first one all the way in."

"Ni! Ni!... My safe word is 'Ni', Yui-sama!"

"Now, Gendo, don't try to scare me like that. You know perfectly well that Michael Palin said that they were 'The Knights who say "Ekki-Ekki-Ekki-Ekki-PTANG- Zoom-Boing-Z'nourrwringmm",' at the end of that sketch. THAT is your safe word."

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Kouzou Fuyutsuki had rushed over in response to Yui's frantic call. He was able to perform an emergency daikonectomy using ice-tongs and a fondue fork; but he really did not have the right equipment to do perineal reconstruction, much less a sigmoidorhaphy. Fuyutsuki wasn't licensed to do so anyway. He had the training; he just hadn't bothered to go through the paperwork.

A trip to the hospital would have been out of the question. Yui's reputation had to be protected at all costs. Gendo's reputation, it went without saying, wasn't worth saving even if there was anything to save.

In the end, Fuyutsuki just stuffed wadded-up paper towels into Gendo's ass and hoped for the best. It turned out better than he had hoped. The bleeding stopped and Gendo didn't even need a transfusion. Over time, strictures had eventually reduced the size of the opening and Gendo was finally able to do away with wearing adult diapers. It was too bad that the strictures had extended almost a foot inside Gendo's rectum and left him perpetually constipated. Oh well, they could always use baby carrots and young corn instead.

To keep Gendo's silence, Yui's father used his influence to offer him a place within GEHIRN. Gendo held out for marriage to Yui and enrollment in the Ikari clan. Yui had no choice but to agree.

_**End Flashback**_

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Gendo still missed the sex games. Yui had always been rather, enthusiastically creative in her efforts to prove that she loved him no matter how badly he humiliated himself. Why, he could still remember that time she had sent him out in nothing but a soiled maternity dress and wooden geta to buy wagashi during the third trimester of her pregnancy. She had locked him out until he had finally persuaded a baker all the way over in Nara to make some taiyaki filled with red bean paste and wasabi. Of course he had to start wearing a beard and dark glasses after that; when he finally got up the nerve to show his face again at the Kyoto Shinkansen station that is. But the fact that she had let him back into the house only proved that she must have loved him, right?

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**Author's Note:** _Caveat lector_ - Let the reader beware.

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**Disclaimer:** Shin Seiki Evangelion does not belong to me; neither do the characters and setting from that anime/manga nor the dialogue I plagiarized from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. The only things I'm going to get from writing this story are pleasure, yucks, kudos… Still, I hope that this story finds favor in your eyes.

**--oO0Oo--**


End file.
